Just finished watching Shortbus. I was "allowed" to watch it in the living room, but I didn't really feel like that was going to be practical, given the explicit nature of the movie. I don't think at the time I was thinking about it as a matter of how I would respond to it, but now I'm extra-glad I watched it alone. For just a moment, a split second, the guy who is maybe an actual artist was able to come out and see something that is very far from "normal", yet is incredible and wonderful in its own right. Here's a piece of art that's practically porn from a casual viewership standpoint, but on watching it properly, it is obviously not that. Whatever else it might be.
If I'm going to do something with my life, I want it to be like this, something that's important to me and only maybe thereby important to the rest of the world. If I'm going to be with anyone I want to be with someone who could take this in in reverent silence, or maybe in shared wonder. There's a big piece of me that enjoys what I'm doing right now, professionally, but at this point in the evening, I really feel like I've remembered that it's really not the part that matters most to me.
Fuck. I'm cryin up a storm over here. It's a wonderful thing, but it happens far too seldom lately.
Part of me wonders if this whole idea is "childish things", as dad would say, and if it's time to put it away. 30 this December. Somewhere in the middle of this movie I realized something that I've been struggling to come clear about: No matter if I manage to find someone or not - and let's be clear, until that happens, I'm fucked when it comes to a life long-term - I'm always going to want to be an artist. I don't know if I *can* be. But it's always going to be, I think, what I want to be.
Anyways. Hope all are well. *wave* to any mystery visitors.